As a big fan and long time writer of lyrics and poems I have some advice to give.
1.) If you're going to have rhymes a lot in your music, don't reuse the words more than once.
- In your last verse you said tomorrow three times to end the sentence and sorrow, just once. Not saying you should try and make words rhyme on purpose though.
2.) Swears = Don't use em.
Why? They take anyway any emotional meaning, and make you seem like you're trying to just be hardcore. It's better to limit yourself to one or maybe two swears per song, but still aim for never using swears, listen to this:
Belle & Sebastian - "Dress Up in You" While it's not metal, it's an example of using swears EFFECTIVELY in music so it has the emotional value you want it to have. Just screaming "FUCKING SHIT" or whatever makes your music sound like you are trying to connect with angsty teens. (But you are trying to be in a metalcore band, so whatever suits your boat I guess.)
3.) Eight Die Faith Die's, all are screamed(As I can guess by the all caps) Listen to Disturbed's "Divide" if you can tell me that MUCH repetition doesn't get annoying by the second or third time you listen to the song then you must be very tolerant of annoying things. I'd recommend limiting this in music.
Also, brownie points for the Nightwish reference.(I think)
Also, brownie points for the use of the word Blasphemy only once. Usually this word is either never used, or used a million times in the same song.
Snatah
so what genre?
TheDaemonicPoet
Metalcore, thrash influences...